Managing is Easy. Leading is What Hurts.
Authors Note: This piece was originally published on my Medium account @jdyerwrites. I have since grown tired of that platform and am moving my writing solely back to Bear.
At a recent speaking event, I participated on a panel with fellow library directors discussing skills for new leaders. During the question-and-answer portion, an attendee asked, “How do you know when you’re ready to be in a leadership role?” I immediately grabbed the microphone and said, “You don’t.”
Years into this leadership thing, I still struggle with imposter syndrome. Despite the years of success as a librarian, earning a master’s degree, and becoming a public library director, I still feel self-doubt. That self-doubt, coupled with the nagging fear that someone will eventually expose me as the fraud I think I am, isn’t easy to sit with, but those feelings keep me humble. I expect imposter syndrome will be with me until the end, but I’m beginning to think that may not be a bad thing.
Managing feels “easy” because a to-do list is tangible.
Management problems always have solutions. I can come up with a new system, pull additional statistics, or hire more people. Those are things I am comfortable working with. I’ve had years of practice. So, when I stepped into the role of library director, I was fully prepared for the management portion.
I was not fully prepared for leadership.
Yes, I’d been to multiple leadership trainings, led projects, hired staff, made decisions, but at the end of the day, it was only one department on my shoulders, not an entire organisation. That weight sits differently.
I can pay bills, replace light bulbs, purchase books, plunge toilets, haggle with vendors, answer staff questions, help patrons, and mark things off my to-do list until the cows come home. For me, day-to-day management is “easy,” because it’s visible.
I am confident that any individual sitting in that conference room during that panel discussion was more than capable of being a good manager. They likely already were, or else they would not have been in that room.
By the time one reaches the point of leading a team or an organization, one has often had years of experience in management. You’ve successfully done the things expected of someone whose responsibility it is to ensure organizational goals are being met. You have systems in place to ensure tasks are completed in a timely and professional manner. Those managerial successes are likely why you are considering, or being considered, for a leadership position.
I, too, am a good manager.
It’s when the human component comes into play that things get tough. That’s where leadership lies.
Leadership hurts when we stretch our comfort zones, but that is how we grow as leaders.
Leadership hurts in the daily decisions that affect those I lead. Hurt feels like isolation, resistance from those I lead, self-accountability for a poor decision, or anxiety and sleepless nights. If I had a dollar for every time I have dreamt of work, I’d have a lot of dollars.
Leadership hurts when I’m on the verge of firing someone for poor work performance, and they confide in me that they’ve been struggling with depression and thoughts of suicide.
Leadership hurts when I increase business hours to better serve customers at the expense of employee satisfaction.
Leadership hurts when I have to absorb the frustrations of those I lead, knowing I can’t send my own anxieties downwards.
Leadership hurts when I have to admit to myself that I promoted someone to management who wasn’t ready for that step.
Leadership hurts in carrying around uncertainty, with no one to reassure me that the decisions I make are the right ones.
Leadership hurts when that ball of anxiety fills my chest before a tough conversation.
Leadership hurts when I lose sleep because I either can’t stop thinking about that decision I made, or the one I know is pending.
Leadership hurts when you care about those you lead.
Annoyingly, that old adage “it’s lonely at the top” is true. The pain of decision is one only the leader can bear. I can’t delegate that out to someone else. At the end of the day, it’s my decision to change the hours. It’s my decision to fire someone. It’s on me. That’s why leadership hurts. It’s different from management. Management can make those choices, but a leader is the one who ultimately sits with the human toll of those decisions.
Being able to take those negative situations and learn from them is key to being a good leader. I’ve learned to exhibit external confidence despite the ick of imposter syndrome sitting in my gut. Leadership comes with a moral responsibility to help guide those who answer to me. It requires long-term thinking even when the decisions hurt in the short term.
How to Combat the Hurt
I’ve established that leadership can be painful, isolating, and anxiety-inducing. No one can operate under those conditions for an extended period of time without facing burnout. Leaders need tools to combat the pain of leadership, so they can continue to be quality leaders.
Networking: When I was new to management and leadership, I was told that it was important to network with my peers. I never believed it. I hate networking. It goes against the grain of my introverted tendencies. Yet, networking provides more than job opportunities. It can build friendships that can help one navigate the troubled waters of leadership. Chances are, what you’re going through isn’t new; maybe that friend you made at conference has gone through something similar. Talk to them about how they handled the situation. Relationships are the power of networking.
Daily Reflection: It’s not always possible to speak to someone, but you can always write things down. A solid journaling habit lets you work through those tough situations. You may not find the answers you’re looking for as you write, but getting those feelings out of your head and onto an external document is deeply cathartic.
Go for a Walk: Sometimes a quick trip around the block can help clear your head.
The above tools are what work for me. They may work for you, too. If you need additional support, I recommend finding a local mental health professional to work with. They can provide additional resources to help you through your situation.
Leadership doesn’t get easier; you just get better at practicing it.
Good leadership necessitates being able to turn the doubt that imposter syndrome brings to the table into personal growth. It’s sitting in the discomfort of a bad decision and learning from it so you can do better next time. It’s celebrating the wins of others over your own. It’s making decisions that hurt the individual but benefit the organization. It’s building trust in yourself and those you lead.
Yes, “leaders are made, not born.” Being a good leader requires daily practice. You learn through adversity. By stretching past those comfort zones. It’s hard work that requires constant effort. You will make good decisions. You will make bad decisions. Employees will be happy. Employees will be angry. You will succeed, and you will fail. But what you learn from those failures, and what you do with that knowledge, is what separates leaders from their peers.
If it doesn’t cost you something, it’s probably not leadership.
I’m Justin. I write about librarianship, leadership, public service, and books. If you found this piece relatable, leave me a like or send me an email. Subscribe if you want more of what’s bouncing around in my head. If you found this article helpful, consider buying me a coffee.